Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good.-Rollins

Here's what I hate about Facebook: my cute co-nerds from high school are all on there. I am apparently the only one who is still awkward and nerdy. Everyone else is suddenly blonder and much MUCH boobier than I remember. I have had to do several double takes, especially with my friend who used to be shy and mousey. Her profile photo is of her in a string bikini with a beer in her hand and a trucker hat. I won't even get into the trucker hat, I don't have that kind of time, but I will address the fact that I can't even tell it's her. She actually looks great. I had no idea that a human being could come so close to Barbie proportions and still be able to stand upright, so kudos. As I mentioned before our reunion is coming up this year and I am nowhere near being ready for it. Therapy and drugs have done wonders and I am slowly workin' my way on down the scale. But still. There is no way I am prepared to saunter into a room of spray tanned swizzle sticks. When I initially started I had this dream of being so skinny people would suspect I was a heroine addict..or a model for Karl Lagerfeld. Alas, sanity won out, especially when I thought about what sort of woman I want my daughter to see me as. Of course I'm not in any danger of getting dangerously thin, but I really just want to feel good. For me that means I can get back to doing an hour of cardio every day so I'm not winded running after the kid. The most important part is also the hardest. I want to learn to be proud of who I am without feeling that I need to factor my value with how much I weigh. When I was thinner I got a lot of attention from everyone. That was nice. But it wasn't about who I was-it was about how great my tits where or how bouncy my ass was. Now, I still have that same sparkling personality but nobody looks at me twice since I'm just another fat girl. Considering that society isn't about to change I need to learn to change the way I look at me. Not there yet but working on it. I want my little girl to grow up knowing that even if she's a curvy she can still rock it like her mama. The truth is that I will probably never get back into my high school jeans or even my sophomore in college jeans. However, the truth is also that I am beautiful and smart and determined and fun...and more than a little dorky. I am also fat. While I am working towards getting healthier I can't put my life on hold for my "after" body. I can still be all these great things regardless of what size jeans are holding all my wonderfulness in.

Horray For Medication

No, I haven't given up losing weight, I'm still at it. Life got pretty hectic, but there have been some positive developtments. I read one of Bob Greene's books-well, no I read SOME of one of Bob Greene's books. I love reading in general, but reading self-help books is boring and I refuse endure longer than I have to. Anyhow, Bob made a great point in the part I read. He said that lasting weight loss will not likely happen till the weightlossee (me, in this case) deals with WHY she over eats/stress eats/whatever. This actually made sense to me. I do have stress issues and I do have a long buried memory of being bad touched by a neighbor so I thought it'd be good to get these things figured out anyways. I'm not an idiot, I KNOW what I should and shouldn't eat and I KNOW about portions but I just kept making the wrong choices for whatever reason. I started seeing a therapist and Doug, my doctor, put me on Wellbutrin. I have to say, it's nice not feeling so on edge all the time. It's easier to fight food temptation when I'm not all agro. So far I'm down eight pounds, this is without much exercise since I've been too busy to get to the gym, so I'm excited to see what happens when I go whole hog (no pun intended). I know I'm a looong way from the finish line and this is taking way longer and is much more complicated than I thought but I'm making progress. And maybe I'll be a little thinner AND more sane in the end. Naturally, I'll probably still be a dork, but I'm OK with that.

Yay!...Sort of

I'm making progress! My stress eating is waaaay down, so anti-anxiety meds are great! However, I want to learn to deal with my stress better so I don't need to be on them. This is,however, is going to wait till after we move into our new house since, at the moment, drugs are my very good friend. I haven't weighed myself since it bums me out- even if I've lost weight I'm still waaay over where I need to be. Instead I'm going by how baggy my jeans are. BTW (See? I'm hip to the lingo) my jeans now require me to wear a belt. I'm going to eventually go back to numbers based weight monitoring but for now I'm not in a place to do so. Oh! I no longer have a trainer!!! I called and asked to postpone my sessions till after our move since I haven't had the time or energy to shower much less drag ass into the gym. Jake got very peeved and suggested I just cancel my membership. 1. I don't need a fussy trainer whose feelings I need to be careful of 2. WTF!?!?!. Anyhow, I've kept my membership at LA Fitness so I'm going to start back there, plus having a toddler is taking a LOT more energy. We're GO! from sunrise to sunset so I'm getting as much activity in as I can handle during the move. I could go on about what a douche my ex-trainer is, but I want to believe I've grown as a person and am above such things...I'll just say he's so dumb he made my car door look smart. OK, well I'll work on being mature later. Much, much later. Not much else to report really, am feeling pretty good. Oh, eating less meat in general. I love meat. A lot. Nothing is better than a nice filet with truffle butter. Mmmmm. However, these things are bad for my ass, plus since eating less meat I've found I generally feel better. No, I'm not turning vegan or even vegetarian, just something I've noticed. Feeling better is nice.

Where'd you learn that? Druuug school?

OK. So I said I'd never take a pill to help lose weight and I was wrong. No it's not what you might think. When I saw my doctor I asked him about Alli. I kept hearing about it and thought, "hey, what the heck". So when I saw Doug (I call my doctor by his first name, because I want to) I asked him what he thought about me starting it. I thought he'd be proud that I was willing to get on such a progressive plan. Instead he just sighned and said "Please don't, it'll just give you diarrhea". I have to admit, I was a little bummed since I'd worked it up to be my silver bullet. He went on to say that no drug will do it for me. Instead we talked about my eating which seems to lie at the center of my problem. I love working out and will go, but I can't stop eating crap! We talked about stress and the fact that I eat most when I'm stressed. And I'm always stressed. I'm a worrier. So we decided the best course of action was to address the stress. So I'm an a low dose antianxiety medication. I have to say, I'm not a fan of pills in general but after a week I have found myself to be mellower. Best of all, I'm not sneaking food. I just don't feel like it. I do sort of feel like it's taken my 'edge' but I suppose that's not a bad thing. I got cut off in traffic yesterday and the thought of following that chick, ripping her out of her seat and cutting off her hair didn't even occur to me. Weird. I'm a little tired but hopefully that side effect will wear off soon. After a break from working out with Jake we're getting back on that horse on Tuesday. Will this finally be my weight loss trifecta? Let's hope so!

Bring In The Troops

OK. I am not a superwoman. I've been working out--not lately since I have been sick with a cold. Or it's Swine Flu which would be humiliating-I refuse to die of of an illness that is hilariously ironic given the size of my ass. Despite working out I haven't been losing much weight, due mostly to my inability to stop eating like a high frat boy. So with the help of my doctor I'm turning to the Sharp Weight Managment group. I am NOT going under the knife. Just not going to do it. After having two surgeries (all baby related) I am not willing to go through that again. So my options are some sort of therapy to help me get to the bottom of why I have the will power of Cookie Monster, drugs, or something that sounds like more therapy. I'm going to an orientation in the next month and will report my findings. The thought of drugs isn't too appealing since I did hear some of the side effects-eww.
Making the choice to get help hasn't felt like the failure I was afraid it might. On the upside I am feeling stronger and less winded thanks to all the cardio I'm doing. So it's not all bad.

Fatty fatty bo batty

I have surpised myself by going to the gym every day. I don't always stay for an hour, but I go. It's starting to feel really good. I'm a little ashamed of being the only one drenched in sweat at the end of my time, but hopefully that'll change as soon as I'm less fat. Aside from still being bored with my music choices, I'm also a little bored by what's playing on the TV. My choices are Fox and Friends or a local news station I'm not particularly fond of. I don't despise Fox news as much as my more liberal friends but I do find them slightly abrassive, sort of like sand in my shoes. The local staion isn't subtitled so I just imagine what they're staying "Fat girl falls of eliptical machine into vat of butter-film at 11!". I tried asking the management to change the lineup and was told that those were the breaks. I did fight the urge to shove the manager's clipboard up his ass--see? I'm getting nicer!! I think I'll start uploading episodes of Lost onto my ipod and catching up there, even though I've vowed to stop watching that show. It was a great show, I just feel that I'm in an bad relationship with it. I put so much into it, I care for it and defend it to my friends. Then Lost gives me nothing in return. Soon I start to wonder if there are other shows out there for me, but just when I'm about to move on Lost comes back and gives me a little something, it answers a question or shows me a link between characters. Ah ha! I think, Lost is changing! This could work! It never lasts though. OK, nevermind I just decided to stop the abuse. Maybe I'll watch episodes of American Idol and see what all the fuss is. Or not.
Diet is going fine. And by fine I mean I'm eating a lot of chicken. Also, while stuffing a pinata for my dad's birthday I stuffed an alarming number of Nerds into my pockets. I put them back later, but fished out a peanut butter cup. And a mini Twix. I am overall able to resist temptation but when confronted with twelve kinds of deliciousness I couldn't resist tasting the forbidden fruit. It's weird though, the better I try to be the more people around me seem to be pushing bad stuff at me. My husband finally got the messege and stopped bring home treats like flan, banana splits, etc. It was cute when I was pregnant and early in my little girl's life when we'd huddle together after she'd go to bed and share a quiet and yummy treat together before bed. He's much better about helping out through this. Now if only I could get my mom to stop.

This is how we do it, baby

Getting back into the groove of this. Working out five days a week and am keeping a food journal. I decided to be honest since having my trainer know exactly what I'm doing wrong can only help me. Of course standing there while he read that I'd eaten Oso Buco ravioli, olive salad, filet mingon, and creme brulee (Thank heaven for the Wine Sellar, if you've never been, by all means go) all in one sitting was about the most shameful thing I've done in a looong time, with the exception of telling an old lady to go fuck herself-it was totally merited but it's a story for another time. Am overall trying to be better about my eating. If I do splurge I make sure it's just a tiny portion which is pretty difficult to manage but doable. Three days of my five day workout are just straight cardio at LA Fitness. I try to do at least thirty minutes which is sad in the face of my hour to hour and a half sessions I used to do when I was in better shape but it's a start. I'm not praying for it to end as much and have been finding myself (willingly) doing five more minutes. I do, however, need NEED new music to listen to. Here is a taste of my workout mix:
Wicked Game-Giant Drag
Bring It On! - HorrorPops
Date With The Night-Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Sabatoge- Beastie Boys
Hip Hop Star-Beyonce
Pon de Replay-Rihanna
Dance, Dance - Fallout Boy (Yes, I know they're douchy but good to hamster wheel to)
Maneater-Hall and Oats (Shut up)
Hot N Cold-Katy Perry
Electric Feel-Oracular Spectacular

I know, you're thinking, "Gee, these songs are awesome" and you're right but I have heard them a billion times and they now make me want to throw things into the spin room. Yea, there are more songs on rotation but they'd only confirm my bad taste in music..even further.
Oh! I have biceps!!! It's true, they're under there!!! I'm down only a couple pounds but am already seeing results. Once I've got enough info on my food diary I'll get an official food revamp and will hopefully see better results. Frankly I'm just thrilled to be able to run after my little girl without wheezing. Onward.