Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good.-Rollins

Here's what I hate about Facebook: my cute co-nerds from high school are all on there. I am apparently the only one who is still awkward and nerdy. Everyone else is suddenly blonder and much MUCH boobier than I remember. I have had to do several double takes, especially with my friend who used to be shy and mousey. Her profile photo is of her in a string bikini with a beer in her hand and a trucker hat. I won't even get into the trucker hat, I don't have that kind of time, but I will address the fact that I can't even tell it's her. She actually looks great. I had no idea that a human being could come so close to Barbie proportions and still be able to stand upright, so kudos. As I mentioned before our reunion is coming up this year and I am nowhere near being ready for it. Therapy and drugs have done wonders and I am slowly workin' my way on down the scale. But still. There is no way I am prepared to saunter into a room of spray tanned swizzle sticks. When I initially started I had this dream of being so skinny people would suspect I was a heroine addict..or a model for Karl Lagerfeld. Alas, sanity won out, especially when I thought about what sort of woman I want my daughter to see me as. Of course I'm not in any danger of getting dangerously thin, but I really just want to feel good. For me that means I can get back to doing an hour of cardio every day so I'm not winded running after the kid. The most important part is also the hardest. I want to learn to be proud of who I am without feeling that I need to factor my value with how much I weigh. When I was thinner I got a lot of attention from everyone. That was nice. But it wasn't about who I was-it was about how great my tits where or how bouncy my ass was. Now, I still have that same sparkling personality but nobody looks at me twice since I'm just another fat girl. Considering that society isn't about to change I need to learn to change the way I look at me. Not there yet but working on it. I want my little girl to grow up knowing that even if she's a curvy she can still rock it like her mama. The truth is that I will probably never get back into my high school jeans or even my sophomore in college jeans. However, the truth is also that I am beautiful and smart and determined and fun...and more than a little dorky. I am also fat. While I am working towards getting healthier I can't put my life on hold for my "after" body. I can still be all these great things regardless of what size jeans are holding all my wonderfulness in.